Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree

Source: Daily Mail

Grandma singing along to Cliff Richard’s Mistletoe and Wine. Kids enlightening the rest of us about a certain red-nosed reindeer. Dads belting out Chris Rea’s Driving Home for Christmas (no? Ah, just mine then). This can only mean one thing. It’s that time of the year again when the dusty Christmas CDs are brought down from the tallest shelves.

But has the scene changed? Are we simply harking back to a time before time? When a woman from Newcastle could still dream of going to America and finding a job as a talent show panellist or the Kaiser Chiefs were only predicting riots.

The worst bit of news I heard last week was surrounding exactly this subject. The cast of The Only Way is Essex are recording a Christmas single, one of the nation’s favourites, Last Christmas by Wham! I imagine that George Michael would be spinning in his car. Although it is for a good cause and there are some average vocal performances (no, really), some of the interest is stricken down by its sheer stupidity. The well rehearsed smouldering looks and talking over the track (for example, “I can’t wait to get my Christmas vajazzle” – PLEASE do not google this). If this single gets anywhere near the Top 10, I will physically eat my laptop. I fear the UK will regret unleashing these people on the World, if you give it even two years.

Moving on to the Pogues. Whom, in my opinion, have the best Christmas song by the least Christmassy band in existence. Although it signals the start of the season, I feel that it could be sung just as well by a drunk sitting outside the Off Licence. Furthermore, it has gained quite a reputation over the years as one of those songs, which it is cool to enjoy.

Source: Andres Otero/WENN

Justin Bieber. Alleged Canadian teen sensation. I recognise that as a 20 year old heterosexual male I am not the target audience for such a musical ‘talent’, but I still don't see the appeal of a remarkably stupid, fringey, high-pitched, alleged runaway father. As such, why did he feel the need to release a Christmas album, including such classics as All I Want for Christmas is You and Mistletoe. I do not know of any section of society that were screaming out for a new version of the Mariah Carey tune.

Source: aaanything.net

Finally, enter X Factor. No doubt Simon Cowell will push his lamb to the slaughter out to the public again this year. Amelia Lily, Little Mix and Marcus Collins are apparently through to the final next week, after which, they will regurgitate an average pop song or ruin a remarkable rock ballad (See Biffy Clyro). But what hasn’t been said about this year’s X Factor too much was its attempt to compromise a music charity. Originally, Little Mix were named Rhythmix but had to be renamed after the Syco’s couldn’t get its namesake to change. In order to raise money for the charity as well as backlash against the X Factor abattoir, Facebook groups are asking for people to purchase Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit instead. This is where my support is going for Christmas Number One.

Overall, if you don’t want a drunkard, or a group of reality TV stars, or a choice of two different manufactured pop stars, there’s only really one option. A drug-infused, depressed singer-songwriter from Seattle, Washington (or Michael Buble, you be the judge!)     

Love Chips x  

Twilight: Breaking Down...

Allow me, if you will, to transport you through the deep, dark pockets of bygone ages, retreating further into your own memories, all the way back to the year 2008. A year in which Barack Hussein Obama was elected the  44th President of the United States, the global financial crisis took a stranglehold and Team GB won a record 19 gold, 13 silver and 15 bronze medals at the Beijing Olympics. Despite all of this happening, I will never forget this year for another reason. A bane of my life to this day. 2008 saw the initial release of the Twilight Saga films.

In case you don't know or haven't heard the story, and I will make this short, here is an overview of the key plotlines, at least in the author, Stephenie Meyer's mind. Average girl (Bella) meets 108-year-old vampire (Edward), who appears to still be a teenager. Average girl also develops strong friendship with tribal werewolf (Jacob). Bella has stronger feelings for Edward, but strings along Jacob for the ride. Both Edward and Jacob must protect her from the 'bad vampires' (as far as I understand, a 'bad vampire' is to a good vampire, what bad bacteria is to Yakult). And all the while, Bella is just trying to find herself (saving thousands on a gap yah).

However, I would like to confront some major problems with the story in general, as well as the cult status this film has inherited, starting with the main protagonist, though this is a generous use of the term.

I don't claim to be a talented linguist, - Bella literally means beautiful in Italian, not average - nor do I claim to be a feminist, as this would be deeply condescending, but the female lead, commencing in the first half an hour of the films, appears to need a male of differing species from then on in, switching her feelings interchangeably between Edward and Jacob, depending on the weather. For teenage girls watching the film, and idolising Bella, this is an extremely bad message. As we all know, standards set by fictional characters and their on-screen portrayals are out of reach to us mere mortals. Just look at the actor Colin Firth. I imagine even he suffers from the assumptions he is akin to his "delectable" (not my words) on-screen character Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice, when he's chowing down on a less than flattering pasta dish or just hanging out watching the television au naturelle.

Moving on to Edward, the actor Robert Pattinson's poster appears on University and college bedroom walls across the planet. Though he may be attractive objectively, I believe that propaganda-wise, the character has played a blinder. As a vampire, Edward's natural instinct is to hunt for, and enjoy the sensations that blood provides; yet it is assumed by all those idealists out there that Eddie is in fact in love with Bella, making him seem romantic and to some extent, chivalrous. I can't help but think this more realistic angle would be all over the press, if Nosferatu (right) was the vampire in question.

Finally, none of the characters on screen (I can only assume in the books too) have any depth. From the first three films, there has been no development of them as people, just a badly researched back story which sort of links them together...sort of. All I know of Bella, Edward and Jacob, is that they are trapped in a complex love triangle; one is a vampire, one is a werewolf and the other can't smile, and the sooner the films have stopped being churned out, the sooner we can all go back to our daily lives, where smouldering teenage lads looking at you and sparkling in the sunshine, is just plain creepy.

I say bring on 2012, and the release date of Underworld: Awakening, so we can finally see some real frickin' vampires.

Love Chips x