These Things Take Time

Welcome back people. Apologies it has taken me so long to write anything. I'm almost certain you've been waiting with bated breath for almost three months by now - well, you are now allowed to exhale, and please stop sending the bouquets of flowers.

Unfortunately, life has got in the way of my blog for the period since Christmas, either for continued personal reasons or the fact that I have writer's block. Nothing has happened until now that I believed I could bring a fresh and fair approach to as an aspiring writer. I am hoping that I will overcome this in time, with the help of my family and friends, and will continue to write as I move from my cushy life as a politics student in Leeds in to the big bad world of insecurity - further insecurity I mean.

If you see anything in the news or whatever, feel free to give me a Tweet on @stumckainuk, or give me a Facebook message. Most importantly, look after eachother!

Love Chips x

Merry Christmas One and All...

I remember a time when I was young, bright-eyed and some would say naïve, when the Nokia 3210 was deemed to be technologically innovative, Pokemon cards were the talk of the playground and I still left cookies and water in the kitchen for Santa Claus and his reindeers, on tonight of all nights.

However, I am now 20 years old, and according to some, it is no longer acceptable that I should get as excited as I used to, nor keep the 3210 for when it becomes ‘retro’. Therefore, I would like to talk you, and my 10 year old self, through Christmas Day, knowing what little stuff I know now, as a somewhat cynical ‘adult’.

Dear 10-year old Stu,

I can now muse over Christmas Day; that time you used to adore and look forward to all year round vividly from the present opening to the television to the “oh… so tasty” food (yeah, I’m a fatty at heart – “hello cholesterol!”).

But just remember the true message of Christmas. Although unwrapping a Stretch Armstrong toy at 9 o’clock in the morning is super mega awesome, this time of year is all about spending precious time with your closest family and friends, seeing the delight on their faces as they open something they’ve always wanted, or try to fake an appropriate reaction to receiving yet more brightly coloured socks, but not just any brightly coloured socks, they’re from M&S – who says advertising doesn’t work?

Strikes took their toll on the birth of our Lord
(Source: Jesus Explained)

Furthermore, the inspirational story of Jesus Christ’s ancient parable about the state of the NHS is particularly poignant. Why were there no beds available for Mary and Joseph? Oh yes, it’s because the Conservative Party hate the Baby Jesus, allegedly.  

Moving on swiftly… in a typical day at University, my alarm clock does not start its working hours until gone eight, so imagine my surprise reminiscing on past Christmases, when I would rush downstairs to the tree at 6 am, waking up my parents in the process and pouring out the endless amazing gifts on to the living room floor.

These days though, I need my beauty sleep, and a lot of it, after a heavy night doing little other than watching pointless (but ultimately hilarious) YouTube videos, of skateboarding dogs and babies eating lemons. Rocking up in my Christmas sweater early in the afternoon is going to be swee-eet!

YUM! (Source: Jake Howlett Gallery)

Now, the food. Where do I start with the food? Pigs in blankets were sorely wasted on you, ten year old Stuart. If anybody can come up with a greater thing than a sausage – good start – wrapped in a layer of bacon – OH MY GOD! – then I want to hear it, and so do the folks at Dragon’s Den, I would imagine.

Deborah Meaden rarely splashes out on any invention these days. Thinking about it, you are still in 2001, please invent Dragon’s Den for me, so I can enjoy it’s inherent windfall tomorrow after Christmas has finished.

Television-wise, I am afraid to say that I am mostly looking forward to the Queen’s Speech. How times have changed. Although Doctor Who is amazing, and much better than WWE or Power Rangers could ever amount to, I have not watched this series, nor any of Downton Abbey (high five!) so Lizzie chatting about Wills and Kate will be the most stimulating 10 minutes of television in my house, unless I get Frozen Planet on DVD. God, penguins are amazing!

Anyway, on an end note, Santa Claus is definitely real. Terms and conditions may apply.  

Love Chips x

Twilight: Breaking Down...

Allow me, if you will, to transport you through the deep, dark pockets of bygone ages, retreating further into your own memories, all the way back to the year 2008. A year in which Barack Hussein Obama was elected the  44th President of the United States, the global financial crisis took a stranglehold and Team GB won a record 19 gold, 13 silver and 15 bronze medals at the Beijing Olympics. Despite all of this happening, I will never forget this year for another reason. A bane of my life to this day. 2008 saw the initial release of the Twilight Saga films.

In case you don't know or haven't heard the story, and I will make this short, here is an overview of the key plotlines, at least in the author, Stephenie Meyer's mind. Average girl (Bella) meets 108-year-old vampire (Edward), who appears to still be a teenager. Average girl also develops strong friendship with tribal werewolf (Jacob). Bella has stronger feelings for Edward, but strings along Jacob for the ride. Both Edward and Jacob must protect her from the 'bad vampires' (as far as I understand, a 'bad vampire' is to a good vampire, what bad bacteria is to Yakult). And all the while, Bella is just trying to find herself (saving thousands on a gap yah).

However, I would like to confront some major problems with the story in general, as well as the cult status this film has inherited, starting with the main protagonist, though this is a generous use of the term.

I don't claim to be a talented linguist, - Bella literally means beautiful in Italian, not average - nor do I claim to be a feminist, as this would be deeply condescending, but the female lead, commencing in the first half an hour of the films, appears to need a male of differing species from then on in, switching her feelings interchangeably between Edward and Jacob, depending on the weather. For teenage girls watching the film, and idolising Bella, this is an extremely bad message. As we all know, standards set by fictional characters and their on-screen portrayals are out of reach to us mere mortals. Just look at the actor Colin Firth. I imagine even he suffers from the assumptions he is akin to his "delectable" (not my words) on-screen character Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice, when he's chowing down on a less than flattering pasta dish or just hanging out watching the television au naturelle.

Moving on to Edward, the actor Robert Pattinson's poster appears on University and college bedroom walls across the planet. Though he may be attractive objectively, I believe that propaganda-wise, the character has played a blinder. As a vampire, Edward's natural instinct is to hunt for, and enjoy the sensations that blood provides; yet it is assumed by all those idealists out there that Eddie is in fact in love with Bella, making him seem romantic and to some extent, chivalrous. I can't help but think this more realistic angle would be all over the press, if Nosferatu (right) was the vampire in question.

Finally, none of the characters on screen (I can only assume in the books too) have any depth. From the first three films, there has been no development of them as people, just a badly researched back story which sort of links them together...sort of. All I know of Bella, Edward and Jacob, is that they are trapped in a complex love triangle; one is a vampire, one is a werewolf and the other can't smile, and the sooner the films have stopped being churned out, the sooner we can all go back to our daily lives, where smouldering teenage lads looking at you and sparkling in the sunshine, is just plain creepy.

I say bring on 2012, and the release date of Underworld: Awakening, so we can finally see some real frickin' vampires.

Love Chips x

Welcome!

Hey everybody,

Stu here. Have just started a blog to get my thoughts down on paper, not that most of them are worth knowing or of vital importance to the human race, but just for a bit of fun. This blog, I hope, will just start a little debate among yourselves about anything and everything, from what's happened in the news that day to a funny video of a baby eating a lemon, from what albums I've been catching up on to how devastated I am with how my beloved Chelsea performed away at Stoke etc. Just bear with me for the first few posts though, trying to find a footing and improve my style of writing  in any which way. If you've got any comments or things you want me to talk about, just give me a bell and I shall... nothing's off limits. Apart from that, which you're thinking now, that's definitely off limits. Have a great day and remember....

Love Chips! :)